Heidi Klum Ruins Her Own Boobs With Her Mouth...

TMZ just posted this video clip of an upcoming Victoria's Secret ad. Their biggest mistake was letting Klum open her mouth and "be funny". From the captured picture of this video short, I thought, "Hey, Heidi Klum's gonna be loving up her own knockers. Of COURSE, I want to see that."

And then she started talking and chased my boner away...

Anyways, here's video a pretty attractive young gal, wearing a very attractive bra on a very, very attractive rack, ruining the whole thing by...improvising her own dialogue.



Fuck man, Del was right. Women really aren't funny.

For a pointed lesson on a much more effective use of boobs to advertise your product, consider this really wonderful Jeep Ad...



I would buy that....Jeep...tanktop...whatever they're selling there, I would buy it.

Cheers,
Mr.B

Monday Pictures Present: "My Roommate, The Prop Comedian"

Matt has finished editing the Monday Pictures film, "My Roommate, The Prop Comedian". I think it's pretty funny. Check it out.



For those of you who are playing along at home, this would be the 8th Monday Pictures short film.

The group is currently working on two more. "Myopic Cowboy" which is about a... well, you'll see. And "Crashers", which will be our Vidiocy project. Those two completed projects will be videos # 9 & 10. With the completion of the 10th video, we'll meet our goal of 10 films in the can before the end of the year.

I also think it's good to note that the films are steadily improving both visually and narratively. That's very exciting. It's good to see a group evolve. AS artists should do.

Cheers,
COB

StingerWeen Post Is Up!

I just posted the pics and plot of the recent International Stinger Halloween Show. A show that we called "The Vampire Show".

You can read the full report and check out the pics by visiting here.

Or by using my sidebar to look at October, 2007 and reading the post, "HAPPY STINGER-WEEN EVERYBODY!"

How could you pass up a post that was as cool as THIS picture?



Cheers,
Mr.B

(Don't bother commenting here, Dear Readers. I'll be deleting this place-holder post in a few days or so. When I do, your comments will be deleted too. Cheers!)

Clutch Jettison LIVE! - One Night Only!

The amazingly talented K Leo sent me a few pics of Clutch in his one and only performance debut (and retirement). They give you a real sense of the performance. The last pic will make a perfect album cover!







MUY SPECTACULAROSO!

Watch for the MUSIC VIDEO to pop up here, once Jim is done editing it!
Until then, Enjoy THIS SPACE CLASSIC!



Spectacular! Spectacular!

Cheers,
Mr.B

How do you say "Silence is Golden" in Polish?

EDITED LATER TO ADD: I've gone through and broken up this young lady's name to make it unsearchable through Google search. Believe it or not, I get an average of 30 - 50 hits a day from people searching for her name. Hopefully, this will curb the number of visits from folks who aren't finding what they're looking for, here, anyways.

Let me introduce you to a friend of mine...

THIS is Dirt y Lill y.



In this picture, she's in the process of taking her little bikini top off because ...well...that's what she does for a living.

Dirt y Lill y is a Polish Porn Actress.

(I suspect that's her stage name. But then again, I don't speak Dutch. In Dutch, "Dirt y" might be a fairly common girl's name. But, I digress.)

I discovered Dirt y Lill y a few weeks ago searching for something else on Google.

(I think I was looking for "Big Polish Tits" or something like that.)

Whatever the original search was for, Dirt y Lill y, taking off one of her many skimpy tops came up and I found my new crush. In her short career as a Polish Porno Big-Tits Model, Lill y has done several photo shoots displaying her big, bouncy assets. (Try Googling "Dirt y Lill y" and you'll see what I mean.) My personal favorite is the photo gallery from the time when she gets baby oil all over everything. And I do mean everything...

Keen-eyed Polish Porn Fans will note that Ms.Lill y is what you would call a Softcore Porn Actress. Which means that she mainly goes to places in skimpy clothes, takes them off, grabs her boobs, looks coyly into the camera and that's about it.
No Sex.
No Blowjobs.
No Penetration.
No lesbianism.
Nothing.
Just a prolonged flash, a few obligatory tugs on her jugs and then she dresses, collects her paycheck and is off to scout out new places to get naked and grab her boobs. Totally Nude, but also Totally Sexless.

Or so I thought...

A deeper Google search (I Google Deeply, Ladies.) revealed that Ms. Lill y has actually shot a short hardcore film. Which is good news for those of us who like to see Big, Polish Tits do what they do best - sway gently from side to side.

A Few Google Searches later, I found a link to a short clip from the "amateur, hardcore, sex tape" that Ms.Lill y has released upon the world. I waited for it to load, ready to have a self-inflicted, manually-stimulated, hot-pants, sex-plosion instantaneously, upon viewing the clip.

As soon as the video clip started, I knew something was wrong. Well, a "few" somethings were wrong actually...

First, Dirt y Lill y is a boring lover.

In the clip that I saw, nearly every setup had Dirt y Lill y on her back, getting rogered by THE CAMERAMAN, whilst she just laid there, looking bored. (Or drunk.) She looked at me disapprovingly through the camera, separated by time, space and the Atlantic Ocean, but instantly connected. A familiar look of disapproval that instantly took me back to my high school explorations of sex. A look that says, "You're doing that wrong and you don't know it. But it would take too long for me to explain it to you. Just hurry up and finish. I want to go watch 'Dancing with the Polish Stars'."

In my fantasy of fantasies, Dirt y Lill y was an experienced, giving lover. She would initiate positions on a whim, demonstrating her amazing mental and physical flexibility. She would switch things around until she found the position that was most visually stimulating for me and then she'd get a look of fierce determination on her face and she'd chase down an orgasm for us both that would be so severe, so loud, so intense, that the dog would go hide under the living room couch.

In the real world, Dirt y Lill y passively lays there, reconsidering her career choices and waiting for me and the cameraman to finish.

But that's not the worst of it.

There's more.

Dirt y Lill y doesn't speak any English. Just Polish.
I don't speak any Polish. Just English.

When Dirt y Lill y DOES bother to say something encouraging to her partner/cameraman, it's in Polish, accented with obligatory "Oohs" and "Yahs". The rest is a crazy monkey language. It's gobbledygook! Nobody could understand it! She could be verbally giving a erotic speech that would curl your toes and make your nuts sieze up like a Chevy motor on a cold January morning! Or should could be reciting the St. Crispin's Day speech from "Henry V". I'd have no idea, because I can't speak fucking Polish.

I know what you're about to say, "Sexy, Hot Girls speaking a foreign language to you, whilst love-making is hot, Mr. B! Don't you know that?"

Yes, Dummy. I DO know that. That is usually the case. Dirt y Lill y is the lackluster exception to Sexy Sexy rule. The utter lack of enthusiasm in her voice and her body language reduces the garbled polish into the unsexiest thing that you've ever heard. (If she were reciting the St.Crispin's Day Speech, there would be passion behind her voice. And maybe that would be enough to keep me interested. I suspect that her dialogue was signifigantly less exciting than that.)

So, you can't understand a single fucking thing that she's saying. But you can clearly guess from her body language and tone that it's boring and bored and I bet the cameraman had to "go to a happy place" and think about Heathe r Brook e to stay hard enough to finish. Maybe he was reconsidering his career choices too.

But that's not the worst of it.

I've saved the worst for last.

The worst thing about watching a Dirt y Lill y hardcore sex video...
is her voice.

She has a man's voice, baby! It's deep and throaty and low and has a remarkable bass timbre that made my nuts sieze up a bit. Honestly, when she started speaking her crazy Polish sex-talk, I thought, "This chick could easily lay down the baritone harmony of the Oak Ridge Boys song,'Elvira'!"

Seriously, her voice is deeper than my own. And my nuts dropped years ago! I don't know what her excuse is!

I sat there, watching this video, whilst this throaty, bored, bassoon of a Polish Sex Queen apathetically took a lack-luster fucking and I just gave up. I clicked "pause" on the video clip and actually said aloud, "I Can't Work With This" and closed the window. Permanently.

I haven't watched that clip since that day. Dirt y Lill y makes my boners sad these days. I feel the same dull ache of nostalgic heartbreak that I felt when I learned that Santa wasn't real.

Or that lightsabers weren't real.

Or that "lonely housewives" really aren't "hot, horny and hard up for some man-meat".

You can't believe everything that you read on a Christmas present tag, or see in a movie or that pops up on your screen when you're trying to look at a pair of well-oiled Polish Knockers.

Henceforth, Dirt y Lill y, will have to exist in the timeless, silent, frozen world of still photographs. I will always treasure those early first photo galleries where she would look playfully at the camera and make a naughty face that said, "Do you think I should put this dildo HERE?!?" I hold onto those memories (and my deflating phallus) and try not to imagine her singing ...

"Giddy Yup! Buh-OOm! Boppa-Ooom! Boppa-Mow-Mow!"



Cheers,
Mr.B

Meet Clutch Jettison!

Tonight, I got my "Uniform" back from my costumer friend, Vicki. She transformed an old, fleece shirt that I couldn't really wear anymore, into my "Star Trek" influenced uniform for Clutch Jettison, the character that I am playing in tomorrow night's "Forbidden Planet: Sci Fi Cabaret!" I hurried home to try the (nearly) full costume on and grab a few shots in the bathroom to post here. Sort of a sneak peek (at something you honestly never would want to see.)

Eh, enough yammering from me, sit back and soak up this sexiness...


That gun was $10 at Toys-R-Us. It's sufficiently "spacey" and "dildo-y" to satisfy the character's needs. It also has laser lights in it, when I fire it. If all goes according to plan, it won't be the only weapon I bring to the stage tomorrow night. (hint hint!)



Here's a nice view of the plunging neckline and the captain's stripes. You can't see the shoulder epaulets in this picture. Yes, it has epaulets.


The hairpiece was $12 at Ragstock. I got it a week before Halloween. And yes, it took some shaping to get it to look THAT good. Vicki loaned me the moustache.


Here's a shot of the Good Captain's Communicator. Which he wears, medallion-style around his neck. Because it's sexy... (The chest hair is real, ladies.)


If this weren't so fuzzy, it would be my "Hero Shot" for publicity stuff. Also, if it weren't clearly shot in a bathroom, too.


Yep, it's going to be a lot of fun, singing, dancing and thrusting in that costume. I still need to pick up his "utility belt". But I can grab that on Saturday, before the show.

Don't worry, I'm taping this show and putting it up on the Youtube. You don't go to the trouble of learning a new song, gluing shit to your face and learning "faux-karate" dance moves to lose a performance like THIS one.

For those who want to see a tight 6 minutes of snappy banter, and two Tom Jones songs sung by the sexiest captain in the universe, swing by the PG around 11:45 to get your tickets.
Here's the show "deets".

FORBIDDEN PLANET: SCI FI CABARET
SATURDAY, NOV. 10th
MIDNIGHT - $10
THE PLAYGROUND THEATER
CHICAGO, IL
EARTH
2008 AD


PS. The resemblance to Harry Mudd has already been noted and appreciated. Let me spare you the time, Commenters. I agree. There is more than a passing resemblance.

Our First "Sick Interview"...

I just got an email from one of the journos at The Columbia Chronicle to conduct an interview about "Sickest F***ing Stories". This is pretty exciting, because I'd always thought that the college crowd would be a PERFECT match for the show. The only problem is that they want to do the interview for next week's paper and the show doesn't play again until January. Ah well, I'll see if I can't push the publication back until December. Or at least mention that date in the article. At the very least, it'll get the show on the college kids radars and we'll see where we go from there. (Or, as a happy bonus, send confused college kids to go see the BBR in December - IF they can get tickets for it.)

So, the word of mouth continues to spread about the show. That's pretty great. Last week, we expected to have about 25 - 30 people see the show. Instead, we had around 50 all told (some were comps and half-price tickets that I offered to future storytellers of the show), but we DID make enough money to pay rent, give the performers a small stipend, buy them a round or two of drinks AND reimburse Greg for some of his investments in the show. If we have another show like last months, we will be caught up financially and be able to put some cash behind the promo stuff that we want to do. (Business Cards for me to promote the show to "higher stakes" guests, Banners for outside the theater on the night of the show, posters, postcards, etc.) So, things are looking up.

Additionally, I got a whole disk of AMAZING pictures from the September show, taken by my good friend, Matt Dolinar. (Incidentally, if you need pictures taken for anything, ANYTHING, be it holidays, shows, parties, headshots, etc., give Matt a call. He's fast. He has a good eye for composition and action. He has amazing timing too. And he works fast. He'll burn you a disk of your pics on the night that he takes them. So he has immediate turn-around. And because he's new to "Theater Photography", he's cheap and hungry for business. He's really great about negotiating a price that you can actually pay to get him. Check out his website and shoot him an email, if you can use him. You'll be glad that you did.) Look for Matt's SFS pics to show up on our website, sometime soon. I want to create a photograph page for any journos who interview us.

I'm also working to line up our casts for the next year of SFS. It's crazy how the first half of the year is already lining up as easily as it is. I'm sure that there will be "speed-bumps" in the show's future, with getting these casts, but for now, most of the people that I approach are very interested in doing the show.

Here's a little sneak peek at next year's lineup...

JANUARY - "Eff the Playground" Night - In addition to the usual gang of retards, we'll also be hosting Matt Barbera, the president of the Playground and his close friend, Mike Dwyer. Comedian Jared Logan is also playing, that night.

FEBRUARY - "Ladies Night" - The whole table will be stocked with the vilest, dirtiest, nastiest lady improvisers that I can find. I plan to work box office and be horrified, standing off to the side.

MARCH - "Producers Night" - Here's my dream cast for this show, "The Annoyance's" Mick Napier, "The Neo-Futurists" Greg Allen, "CIF & BAssprov's" Mark Sutton, "WNEP's" Don Hall and myself. (And I fully recognize that I barely deserve a seat at that table. But then again, I produce the show, I get to make rat-bastard decisions like that and give myself cherry seats at the table, if I want to.) This show should kick all sorts of ass.

APRIL - "April Fools" - The cast members of "Blewt Productions" have expressed interest in hosting their own night of SFS. I would probably surrender the table to them for that show. I think that Tyler Lansdowne will probably end up hosting that show.

Look at that crackerjack lineup! And that's just the first 4 shows! Who knows what kind of crazy shit we can come up with, in the rest of the coming year?!? (I will state for the record, that I want at least ONE psychic to play in our Halloween 2008 show!)

I'm excited about the interview.
I'm thrilled by the lineup.
I'm dedicated to the website revamps.
I'm happy to see the show growing, as I naturally thought that it would.

Things are looking sicker every day...

Cheers,
Mr.B


One of the shows founders...and a giant pair of bulls balls.

Jack Donaghy's Blooper Reel.

I dunno if you saw this clip or not, but this montage of Alec Baldwin's "bad acting" for a GE instructional video is priceless. Sure, some level of you knows that it's scripted, but Baldwin does such an AMAZING job of looking inept that he totally sells it.

My favorite line?

"When I ask you for the line, don't give it to me. No matter what I say, don't give it to me."
(beat)
"Line."
(beat)
"Line?"
(the offstage PA says, "Product Integration")
Donaghy immediately cuts her off - "I told you NOT to give me the line!"

Brilliant.

Here's the clip

Happy Halloween From Louisville, Ky.

My sweet grandma sent me these pics from their Halloween last week. Everyone went over to my uncle Rick's house for Trick Or Treating. There were a few costumes to be enjoyed by everyone there.


This is my mom, dressed up like a witch, to entertain the kids. Notice that she's got her camera with her. She's a really talented photographer. I bet she got some outstanding pics of the kids and their costumes from the evening.


This is my cousin, Holly, holding her baby, Zoey. Everyone in the family calls Zoey, "The Big Z". That might give her a body-image complex when she gets older, but for now, it works. I can't remember Holly's friends name, but she's a really sweet girl.


This is Holly's sister, Sonia, watching as her mother, Lynn, teaches Sonia's daughter, Olivia, how to get candy from the "Frankenstien" on their porch. (He moves and sings, when you active his motion sensor.) Olivia calls him the "GreenGort". Dunno what that's supposed to mean, but it makes sense to little kids.

And this is Olivia, the Princess Herself. What a sweetie.


While all of this was happening in Louisville, Yours Truly, was getting enjoying my own Halloween party on Friday night with Lisa, Hendo, Megan, Noah and Spacecat!

Here's a picture from THAT evening...



Explanations and More Pics from that evening are coming soon...

Cheers,
COB

News Flash: Science Explosion Grants SuperPowers?

Saw this in yesterday's Trib...

Northwestern student injured by chemical blast
6:28 PM CDT, October 30, 2007

A Northwestern University postdoctoral fellow was injured Tuesday when the compounds he was mixing in a material science laboratory exploded and caused a minor fire, university officials said.

Jason Nicholas, 29, was taken to Evanston Hospital shortly after the 10 a.m. blast and was treated for burns to his face and right arm and a puncture wound on the right side of his abdomen, school officials said. Hospital officials declined to comment on his condition.

Nicholas was mixing nitric acid and ethanol in a glass bottle in a lab on the third floor of Cook Hall when the compounds exploded, university spokesman Chuck Loebbaka said.

Damage was confined to the small space where Nicholas was working, Loebbaka said.

Okay, first things first, "Don't mix nitric acid and ethanol in a glass container anywhere near your body". Got it. Life Lesson Learned.

I'm going out on a limb here, but I bet we'll see petty crimes and bank robberies being foiled here in Chicago by a red, man-shaped flash of light...

Cheers,
Mr.B